Golden Globes 2012: Grand Slams and Fumbles

Let's get down to business.

BEST DRESSED ACCORDING TO MOI

Charlize Theron: Her face moved more than Angelina's. Barely. Gorgeous dress. Love that she didn't wear platforms.

Zoey Deschanel: Smash-hit in one-of-a-kind Prada. Her nails as her escort was quirky-cute and very fitting for her personality. Adore the 1960's makeup with retro-hair. Vintagely creative and inspired.

Laura Dern: Best dressed nominee for me! Pictures do not do this dress justice. It was awesome on camera! Of course my life long obsession with long sleeves made it that much more heartpoundingly awesome for me. This would be a kick-ass MOB dress for the fashion forward mommy! Dress by Andrew Gn, Paris.

Elle Macpherson: Barbie WISHES she'd look this hot at 48. I could see someone disliking some of the fraying at the top, whatever. Knock-out.

Salma Hayek: ALL DAY LONG! I could stare at this dress all.day.long. So ridiculously awesome!!! I love the gradient color of her hair. Stunning.

Madonna: Some pigs on my FB were talking trash about her glove. Whatever. They don't get it. It is absolutely congruent with her personal style since the 1980's. Tie that in with her classic combination of the cross necklace and cleaveage it's clearly Madonna being Madonna. Totally sick and awesome. Jewelry for days! Her facelift looks like it's finally settled, too. Loved it! The bottom of her dress is really pretty.

Claire Danes: She always works dresses to fit her "three quarters disease" body (3/4 of her body is her torso) as best as possible. The front of this dress is elegant, simple, stylish but the back of it is glam and says, "I'm not boring. I'm awesome." Her makeup compliments the dress nicely.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Looking handsome! Absolutely perfect selection. He wears a goatee really well. His philosophy to fashion is so easy and men should take note. Don't reinvent the wheel. Always go completely classic with attention to perfect lines. Match it with slicked back hair and you get a first class pimp.

Ryan Kwanten: Black Velvet. LOVE IT!

Emma Stone: Ahhh, my personality doppleganger, how I love thee. SWEET BELT!! Finally something cool! Lanvin, of course. Notice the two tone base of the dress. Gorgeous and daring. Her hair piece coordinated with the belt, which you can't see in the pictures, but it was sweet live. Great makeup. Her earrings were a little distracting and wouldn't have been my choice, but home run overall!

Helen Miren: Gorgeous Dress and completely age appropriate. MOB's TAKE NOTE!

Jodie Foster: Looked amazing sitting at the table during the show with perfect hair and dress color complimenting her complexion. The bottom of this dress in the picture seems a little too short and slightly awkward because of her shoe choice . She took Ricky's jokes really well but Elton John looked so pissed.

Reese Witherspoon: Awesome!! Her hair, body, make-up and dress were stunning. Her face moved when she talked! She's so pretty and her teeth are so white. Great bracelet, sexy beach goddess lady.

Jessica Biel: I already saw people talking trash about this dress and I couldn't disagree more. It's long sleeve, so you guessed it, I love it. I like that you can see her undies through the dress. Sexy and chic. Now, if we could just get her to not walk like a man.

Felicity Huffman: It's hard to be that busted naturally and look that hot. Absolutely immense efforts to work against your genes to look like that. Bravo.

Kristin Wiig: Hottest she's ever looked. F'in Awes. Understated but sweet.

Kate Beckinsdale: Do you think she could possibly know how ridiculously hot she is? I don't think so. Her dress was nothing fashion-forward in my opinion, but she's so pretty she has to be mentioned. And tiny! Her earrings were also great.

Josh Brolin & Diane Lane: That is a handsome couple.

The Nicole's (Ritchie and Kidmand): I loved how Ritchie detailed every single thing on her from who did her hair to her shoes and accessories. I love, love that hair on her. Nicole Kidman's dress is hot and flattering, I dont know if I would consider it fashion-savvy, but she looks great you can't deny that.

Not Shown: Lake Bell - on TV she looked really pretty and was wearing glasses which I thought was cool. Jake Gyllenhaal looked great. Julianne Moore: For someone who has the ability to look frightening, she looked beautiful. I liked the green earrings with her darker hair.

FUMMMBBBBBLE!!!! YOUR OUTFITS SUCKED:

Angelina Jolie: Holy-the-top-of-your-face-didn't move the whole time you talked, woman!! Fit of the dress is perfect but the neckline is not flattering at all. Later in the show, the dress looked prettier with her shawl covering her shoulders and half the dress. The color of the red on the collar and her lipstick looked pretty together when she was sitting at the table. But on the red carpet, yuck! Her arms, dress, attitude and botox are disgusting. Generally, Angelina, I love you. Tonight you made me want to puke.

Michelle Williams: Ok. I get it. You like frumpadump. She also had botox face.

Rob Lowe's Wife: Woman! I guess her bracelets were cool? I mean the dress is nothing special. You can find that type of design for $150 by Ralph Lauren off the rack at Macy's. And then pairing it with ratty Britney Spears-like hair extensions. Seriously, like WTF? Get it together.

Evan Rachel Wood: Gross ass dress. She looks like a young Bridgite Neilson or herself in 15 years.

Octavia Spencer: Amateur hour.

Jessica Lange: That dress would be hot on someone 20 years younger with better functioning Skweez Couture. But OK.

Deborah Messing: boring, you don't get a picture.


Mila Kunis: yawn. Not to mention that she also looks like she just woke up and realized she lost her purse.

Morgan Freeman: Hey, where's your niece? Cool glasses, dude. Cool earring. And who was that weird blonde girl next to him? When they were on the red carpet she was standing to the side and I kept thinking it was Kim Zolciak.

Emily Blunt: Looked like Katy Perry as a couture Big Bird on ice. Look it up if you really care.

Amy Poehler & Will Arnett: Her dress is not flattering, but not terrible. The grey two/tone thing he has going on is not good.



Viola Davis: She's so pretty and her hair looks great but it looks like she's wearing a skin suit.

Natalie Portman: Just because your a mom now doesn't mean you have to regress in style prowess. What is that? A prom dress?

Matt LeBlanc: Almost Tom Ford-ish, but the navy is a total miss. He does look better as a silver fox, though.

Tina Fey: She's a very nice, hilarious greek girl and I know it's an Oscar De La Renta gown....but I dont care! It doesn't flatter her figure or do much for her skin tone. Loved her rocking a wedding band instead of a big rock. Cool.

Stacy Keibler and George Clooney: Ok. Maybe they don't belong down here. She's hot. But Clooney makes her look like an amazon! Isn't it weird that your girlfriend is taller than you? It's only a matter of time before that wears a man down. Even if she's shorter without heels on, what mostly counts is when you're out. These two give me a strange vibe. His face looks smoother. Probably had some lasering done.

Johnny Depp: He looks like Pauly D with that tan! Like, Pauly's hair when he gets out of the shower + tan. His fake accent is also gross. The green vest was interesting...but pointless.

Emily Watson: Got her dress and necklace from Chico's (unconfirmed hypothesis)

Kate Winslet: The black and white color blocking is dated and a trend that is the equivalent of something you'd get at mid-low level corporate clothing chain. As much as I like her attempts at simpleness and being a real woman, she misses the chic boat. The only cool part is the detailing on the belt. Meh.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Woof!

Sofia Vergara: Maybe I hate her because of her K-Mart commercials. Or maybe I hate her personality. Maybe there's nothing really wrong with this dress or look, but I think she's trash so I don't like anything she wears or does. I also don't think Modern Family is funny. Sue me. AND of course, this morning one of my friends emailed me a picture of her in this dress and told me she thought of me when she saw it :(

Who the hell was this chick? She was interviewing people on the red carpet. I know from her conversation with Nicole Ritchie that they co-hosted some fashion competition together. Forgive me for not catching every single dumb fashion reality show. Why was Nicole Ritchie kissing her ass so bad ? Blue hair is cool but not on this chick. Give me your job and then I'll tell you you're pretty or something. Her dress is so slutty! My friend actually wore that dress when she was Jessica Rabbit for Halloween, not to the Golden Globes you trasher!

Ok. Calm down, Indiana Jones. Your earring looks ridiculous.